Emptiness…

I have a really important call in a few.  I have been nervous all morning, trying to be calm.  Didn’t work. I killed some time youtubing my favorite tunes and just typing some old familiar names and taking it to wherever the association would take me.

I have began to feel stuck.  I don’t believe in envy, nor do I think that copying someone else’s life works.  Almost everything respected in the universe has it’s own unique and original tone, yet… I am left wondering if I should have been more like others.

It’s one of those down times when every doubt hits you, that is now becoming overwhelming for me.   I wonder.  I am looking at why I left my home the first time.  It almost feels like that every genius I have ever known has never traveled   to far distances to find him/herself.  Most people that got far, got far by staying where they were from the start and building from there.  I have left my roots already twice.  And am awaken today to mourn for the times missed.

I don’t want anyone to worry.  Perhaps for that reason alone, I am not sharing this, but writing a blog.  But I do wonder what would happened if I stayed.  Some, perhaps foolish, part of me believes, that I would’ve build my own little world right there.  Now, it feels like I am blown by the wind and shaken from every side.

Yet….something woke up in me today as I was listening to different music.  I think what woke up was my own voice, a newly build muscle to sustain the challenge of every day and rise above it.  I want to make a mark.  Yes, there is more to life than we are taught.  There is a humanity that I can feel in each person I choose to speak with.  There is something about listening to each person and contributing to their light…and then there is more.  There are things I don’t know how to say….but I can draw them….or I can sing them…

Ever thought of a dream you gave up? anything you just didn’t think you were talented enough to do that you want to do?  Is there anything that I can do to contribute to your light?


Patching the holes in my heart…

It’s been almost a year since I took a decision to quit being a Self Expression and Leadership Program Leader for Landmark.  I was afraid, at the time, that I would regret it.  In fact, I remember I walked away from the Center Manager who told me I was making a mistake with this: “I know this might be the biggest mistake I have made in my life, but I have to make it.”  And the freedom to make a mistake, despite everything else, was liberating.

Within months of quitting, my dreams came true.  I was in a relationship of my dreams, I was finally going for my green card interview after years and years of waiting and I was creating path to financial freedom which really mattered to me.  But I was no longer getting up on the stage and saying I was making a difference.  I became a difference in the world in which I didn’t know how that was being done anymore.

It’s been a year since I participated in anything around Landmark.  I appreciated every tool I got inside of the education, but I was far from wanting to go back and give service to the company that, in my view, became business.  But I was willing to have a conversation that was called an “offering” from Landmark for the “contribution that I make in life.”  Scheduling and rescheduling it since February, finally I had it this morning.  Five minutes later, I stated my stand:  I am not interested in assisting for Landmark in any capacity.  I appreciate the education, but I find my financial freedom too important to compromise and I will be open to only what serves my mission and my goals.

I could hear how I can sound cold to other people, but the person on another side of the line completely heard me and where I was coming from.  Once I said it all, I was able to have a conversation with her and look at different groups of people that I am a part of in life and how I impact them and in turn, how they impact the world.

I had many insights that I am not going to share now.  I will probably forget most of what was said… But for a moment today, I was completely in sync with my soul.  I was speaking from my heart.  There was no striving, there was no trying to get away with something and step over no thing.  I was me.  I was pure, clear, spirit only…

I was moved.  I was moved because I was able to create myself for another person in the conversation.  She was available to listen and inside of no resistance, I was able to say who I am and become that by the end of the phone call.  Something shifted.  Something touched me in a way in which I was not being touched for the past month, mostly dealing with an open wound of my quitting and never truly being understood as to why I did it.

Today, why I did it and that I am understood doesn’t matter anymore.  I was able to see my own spirit, to offer myself forgiveness, compassion and kindness… And only now when I was able to see it in me, I can begin to offer it to others.

Thank you …


Homesick…

There was a saying I once heard for people who come to America from Europe, “Once you cross the ocean, you are always on a wrong side.”  I have been living in New York for the past 17 years and now that I came to Canada, I am longing for it.  Sometimes it feels like I can live anywhere and mostly it’s because I love my husband and I feel that we can make anything a home…but still… I have this tendency to want to be at too many places and at the end, I don’t end up being anywhere at all.

Last night, however, browsing through facebook, I saw that Montenegrin “idol” was on TV and I ended up watching just to see who the next talent is in my home country.  I was so amazed by young people’s voices and truly moved.  They mostly sang in English and I was really proud to how they did it, but then they sang a few old time songs in my native tongue.  And in an instant, I was transported.  The world disappeared and I was longing.

When I think of it, I am not even clear what it is that I wanted…all I know is that music is like drug that can take me million different places in an instant.  And the experience of my love for it, the fulfillment and joy of listening a good voice interpret a really good song, just gave this experience of utter fulfillment.  And, this time around, I captured it and made a mental note that that’s what I want my life to be about.  I want something to give me that kind of a satisfaction around my career and work.  I never truly had that before.

I can sit here and mourn for lost times, pull out million of reasons why I didn’t focus on what I wanted, but it won’t make a difference.  And the feeling of having to start from scratch is not always empowering at all, yet, I know I have to build from ground up.  Last night, for a second I took a note to remember that feeling of inner joy so that I can look for it in everything I do.

It’s tough.  It’s like knowing that your previous relationship will never work out and knowing you have to meet more people and look for everything you want in a partner without compromise.  That’s what I need to do around work.  One foot in front of another, adding flavors of what I enjoy to the final product of whatever it is that when I do, I will be completely proud.  As George Bernard Shaw would say, I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the purpose recognized by myself as a mighty one….

In looking for that quote, I found another quote by Shaw that I think is the quote I was meant to find:

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw


Rose quartz ducks

Yesterday on my way home from yoga, I had a thought, perhaps I need to take a job in New York and support myself and my husband in creating more cash to pay the bills and get out of the “rat race” (in a CASHFLOW game, rat race is a name they give to life that consists of making money to pay bills and survive).

I didn’t like the idea.  I love being close to my husband and unlike some people who love a lot of space in their relationships, I love being close to my man and creating life with him. Needless to say, I didn’t like what I came up with, but thought it may be the only way.  The mere thought of traveling back and forth New York – Montreal was making me sweat.  So, when I got home, as I was doing something at my desk (a kitchen table in my case), I heard something breaking in the bedroom.  My husband comes out and shows me the 2 rose quartz ducks broken from their leaf stand.

Being hormonal these days anyway, I began to panic and cry.  I couldn’t stop despite it’s irrationality.  Because of nothing other than a pure superstition, I began to think we will have to separate.  In a moment of my terror, my husband was looking me completely in shock that something like two little ducks unglued would make me so miserable.  He almost got mad at me until I was able to explain what that represented, my thoughts on the metro on my way home and the belief that little ducks represented him and me….

He let me dive into his arms and I began to feel better.  Later, I checked what people say about breaking this stone that represents self esteem and love in relationships, and I liked the interpretation in which they say they breaking of the stone is not bad luck. It reads, on contrary, when stone breaks, it means, there was a challenge and the stone absorbed it on our behalf…. The advice is to wash the ducks with sea salt water and keep it at home.

Later when I spoke to mom and share the event, she said, let go of the ducks, be good to each other.  And I really got it… Perhaps the stones we keep mean something to us.  For sure this little pair of rose quartz ducks meant so much to me, especially when I was alone and wanting so badly to be in juicy partnership, but the human being in front of me means so much more.  And the stone has taught me that yesterday.

Do you follow any superstitious belief?  Please share…


Dreams…

My husband finds this really weird about me, but dreams do impact me.  And in my case, dreams aren’t just about something happening.  They are a world of something, usually a fear, concern, worry, or even happiness.  They rarely make sense, but they have a vibe.  My last night’s dream, just the same, had a particular vibe and it was: I am inadequate and lazy.

Perhaps because of a struggle of finding work, trying to figure out what I want and what is next for me in life, I am facing my impatience and laziness to do everything that it takes to get where I want to be.  Just as with my dreams, I don’t know where I want to be.  I only know the world of it and what it would feel like.  And I am crystal clear, I want to be fully engaged, proud, fulfilled and happy with what I do.  I want the experience of every barrier crossed, every extra mile taken being well worth it.  I want to have a feeling that I can never expand any more than I already had, and then push against the limits of that and expand even more.

I think that for us, women, it is really important that we have something of our own that fulfills us.  I never knew this when I was dating, but it is clear to me now when I am married, how much my happiness matters to my husband.  It is almost a crime not to do it, given that everything in our world is organized to have us get what we want.

I don’t like failing.  I don’t even like opening up to what I want as I may not reach it, or rather, I may give up before I ever get even close.  Yet, I am going to keep uncovering what it is that makes me happy and keep going for it.  Perhaps, this will impact my dreams and allow them to expand.  And when the dreams are unleashed, my reality brightens.


Crying again…

I even started writing this blog to share how I think on the subject of a broken heart.  I really feel I have mastered the experience and was able to pull myself out of it all the way, as well as many other women I have been in touch with who were willing to share with me their heartbreaks.

But today I woke up to find out that a video I was recording material for was finally out, and I didn’t make a final cut.  I was angry, disappointed, and really hated the experience.  I hated that I had a feeling this was going to be the case, that my husband will probably make a cut inside of the video he was in, and I just had the hardest time dealing with my experience of failure.  Hours later I was on the phone with my mom as she was eager to watch me on screen. Namely, I flew to New York from Montreal only to do this, my ticket was over $1000 and I had a hotel for days to do this…My make up was done perfectly well, they acknowledged my outfit and the professionalism with which I approached the production. I remember walking into the studio, sitting on the chair and hearing a camera guy say: “darn, you are stunning”….so I thought for sure, I must be in it.  I was even called back to record extra lines…so here I am this morning, watching the video of 30 minutes and hoping I see myself in it, but completely doubting my luck.

And after having been heard, ashamed and crying my eyes out this morning, I really get, it’s not about the video.  It’s about me.  I don’t like who I am at times and I have the hardest time just allowing myself to be in the space of inquiry and not knowing.  I feel like a failure and have million and one reason to just feel bad for myself.  But deep inside, I just gave up, my heart was broken and I wasn’t willing to give it fully again, not inside of my career.  And over time, I became smaller and smaller, being less and less willing to play full out, be exposed, take a risk and take leaps of faith.  I was playing it safe and while doing it, I was complaining about everyone else, about how the world works and about all the people who are not as good as I thought I could be, only if I actually did it.

So, cheers to the hypocrite in me.  I am going to take the rest of the day making sure I am gentle with myself.  I am going to forgive me… I am going to do what I would do if this was a relationship and I will give it all.  The failure only hurts when it’s inside of a very small game.  


About death and dying…

I watched the Dark Knight last night and Heath Ledger’s stunning performance in it.  Although the film overall made my stomach flip, I have completely appreciated Heath’s acting.  His posthumous nomination for an Oscar, announced exactly a year after his death and then deserved and granted award, made me really sad.  I listened to his parents receive an Oscar on his behalf, without drama, without making it about them, completely honoring their son and the legacy he left behind.  Uncanny.

It just made me think about death, which I have been thinking a lot about lately, feeling completely uncomfortable and  powerless.  I feel I have so much opinion as to who should live longer and who doesn’t deserve to live at all, yet, I notice I am not much consulted on the subject, regardless of how fair I think I would actually be in making those choices.  And at the end, I feel as human beings, we ought to truly support one another…There is not true fairness out there.  We really never know what is behind the next corner, the next milestone we are facing.  I don’t know about others, but for me, thinking this through prevents me from always rushing somewhere new, from being ungrateful and always wanting something different, something new and something I don’t have….

Just saying… This afternoon, I appreciated life so much more and I softly said a prayer for all the people I love, that they be happy and that they have fulfillment and love in their lives…