Patching the holes in my heart…Posted: May 17, 2012
It’s been almost a year since I took a decision to quit being a Self Expression and Leadership Program Leader for Landmark. I was afraid, at the time, that I would regret it. In fact, I remember I walked away from the Center Manager who told me I was making a mistake with this: “I know this might be the biggest mistake I have made in my life, but I have to make it.” And the freedom to make a mistake, despite everything else, was liberating.
Within months of quitting, my dreams came true. I was in a relationship of my dreams, I was finally going for my green card interview after years and years of waiting and I was creating path to financial freedom which really mattered to me. But I was no longer getting up on the stage and saying I was making a difference. I became a difference in the world in which I didn’t know how that was being done anymore.
It’s been a year since I participated in anything around Landmark. I appreciated every tool I got inside of the education, but I was far from wanting to go back and give service to the company that, in my view, became business. But I was willing to have a conversation that was called an “offering” from Landmark for the “contribution that I make in life.” Scheduling and rescheduling it since February, finally I had it this morning. Five minutes later, I stated my stand: I am not interested in assisting for Landmark in any capacity. I appreciate the education, but I find my financial freedom too important to compromise and I will be open to only what serves my mission and my goals.
I could hear how I can sound cold to other people, but the person on another side of the line completely heard me and where I was coming from. Once I said it all, I was able to have a conversation with her and look at different groups of people that I am a part of in life and how I impact them and in turn, how they impact the world.
I had many insights that I am not going to share now. I will probably forget most of what was said… But for a moment today, I was completely in sync with my soul. I was speaking from my heart. There was no striving, there was no trying to get away with something and step over no thing. I was me. I was pure, clear, spirit only…
I was moved. I was moved because I was able to create myself for another person in the conversation. She was available to listen and inside of no resistance, I was able to say who I am and become that by the end of the phone call. Something shifted. Something touched me in a way in which I was not being touched for the past month, mostly dealing with an open wound of my quitting and never truly being understood as to why I did it.
Today, why I did it and that I am understood doesn’t matter anymore. I was able to see my own spirit, to offer myself forgiveness, compassion and kindness… And only now when I was able to see it in me, I can begin to offer it to others.
Thank you …