I spent a weekend with Canadians and must say, they were kind. I guess when people meet for the purpose bigger than themselves, they get to be better than they are. I am not saying Canadians are bad, only that I had a few not so great experiences.
Since I took a little hiatus from being a social butterfly in the past few months, it was amazing to see that my social skills didn’t disappear. I was clear that people didn’t listen necessarily to what I was saying, but to how I was saying it. Energy…that famous thing that we are made of. More than ever before, I got crystal clear that I was on the right path. I kept allowing myself to get in a game, listen as if I didn’t know anything to discover myself over and over again. I was willing to see what was possible beyond my fears, beyond my judgments and concerns. And when I got hold of that bright image of the future, something clicked, the arrow broke.
I did an exercise that was symbolizing breaking through something I feared that stopped me in life. Little did I know was that the thing I said I was afraid of was not what I was actually afraid of. I was afraid of “going for it”….I wasn’t unwilling to go for it…I was just reluctant to push as hard as I needed to push to get the “going for it” going. Do I make sense?
My whole life altered. Since the weekend, I could see every single moment when I was hesitant to take action. I could catch a thought. I could digest it, think it through and then choose. In less then a week, my husband’s and mine financial future altered forever. I could get, the only reason I wasn’t having everything I wanted was because I wasn’t going for it. Even worse, I didn’t know that I wasn’t going for it. It was in a blind spot of my mind.
And I am not sure why I am blogging about money. In fact, during the weekend as I was dealing with whatever I needed to deal with to come on another side and “break the arrow,” my heart was tense and kind of closed. I am beginning to see that having your heart open to love and being open to abundance in your life is one and the same. At least it was for me. More to come….
Turning in inward, has me present. One of the most powerful sources for me is the source of my own feminine energy. The cycles we go through, as women, the expression of those changes through our moods, the confusing force we can be in the world for ourselves and others, are all the expression of the feminine divine…It is so completely mysterious and divine. Tuning into it has me experience my own personal wisdom and I cannot but listen keenly for the messages that my higher self, the Universe within is sending to me.
We are about to enter the Dark Moon phase. I can notice that for the past couple of days, all I was really noticing was everything that doesn’t work about how I am and what I do…I was unlocking my darkest corners…So far, my personal cycle is not completely, but almost, synced with the time of the moon…So I have entered the time of rest, the time of self reflection and the time of shredding my skin off…..Looking forward to renewal as the Moon is waxing and my feminine is awaking.
I have been ignoring these signs in the past… I have been squashing my own power for the fake signs of power, from learning the masculines ways of succeeding in this world to completely ignoring my own intuition and what really felt right…Yes “feeling”, the word that doesn’t even have a good reputation with some people who achieved success…But I choose to listen to it..I choose to nurture my own inner guide and walk that path to sync in with the Moon.
I just had a heated conversation with my husband around business… Namely, we are looking at doing something new and I am the source of the information and his excitement about it makes me feel uncomfortable as I now anticipate that he will drop the ball in the other areas where we develop business and I will suffer (be left behind). Woah…as I am writing this, I realize that all of my hysteria comes from this number one fear in my life: I will be left behind.
Amazing how much we are run by childhood conversations and how much that can impact how we relate to other people and operate in business. Today again, but for many times before, my husband assured me that his promise to me is a worth our lifetimes, that everything he does is inside of the context of our life together and success in every single way that matters to us. Yet, as completely possessed by another force, I forget that and act like he is my enemy not the life time partner I chose who is and will always be on my side.
But all these thinking brings me to another dilemma…when is it really that it is ok to let out concerns out, speak our mind and fight for what we believe in? and when is it that we can get ahead of time that what we are bring up just adds to men’s already present confusion with the female minds… I am looking for balance…How do I stay true to myself but mindful that I don’t exhaust every bit of space in my man with drama? How do I take steps to teach him to best support me without selling out and giving in too soon….
I am not sure, but I am out to learn and see what there is I can do to prevent an enormous eruption of emotions that can be way more useful if channeled in a direction of our mutual success and work done… And, at the end of the day…I can see my darkness and have an intention of making friends with it… Ultimately, it is not my husband, but also me who has to be able to live with how I can be at times, not make it wrong, not judge it, just offer it compassion and love….
I have no answer yet… and I am present to my commitment and love…. Huge explosion and fight will do that to a woman….At the end…when all quiets down, there really isn’t anything to do or anywhere to get to….and in that space, I finally experience being … being a woman.
I remember an old friend of mine saying to me, a propos my view of art and the way I was creating it, that I see things so deeply from my own view that on one hand, it’s not universal enough, but on another, it’s so deep that it’s value was mostly coming from that. In other words, he saw some lights in my selfish ways.
In some ways, I just didn’t know how else to create, paint or write, but to do so from my own belief system, from the core of what I truly passionately believed in. And I think that is how began searching for answers deep within, analyzing myself and my actions, trying to really get and understand what I was made of, etc… I was intrigued by all the disciplines that had anything to do with self development, energies, healing, empowerment etc. But mostly, I was my own experimenting rat….
Some time ago, don’t know exactly when, I began to get that my inner gut feeling, things I so deeply believed in was the most accurate truth I could find. I began to listen to it more and more. I started to tune into what the Universe wanted or expected of me, by searching for the Universe within.
I was looking at how conversations travel…How, I’d talk about something today and then would hear it on TV the next day… Miracles are everywhere. But the most profound miracle I discovered was the miracle of being a woman.
When we deeply listen to our voice within, we can truly know the truth. Sometimes, we are just too busy wanting to make something work or happen (a completely masculine trait) that we loose connection to the very essence of what we are made of: instincts, emotions and love… and truly, the less we are afraid of how hysterical, senseless and bitchy we can be sometimes, the more we get to be with the divine….
Perhaps my writing is clumsy….I will continue to share as even what I want to say, I know, wants to find its expression in writing…
I had one of the worse experiences of my life yesterday. As I was walking out of my house, I saw an email reminder that my beautiful friend Zully got a blog award. I noticed 3 other emails and began to read one of them as I was walking down the stairs…Caught in the beauty of her writing and truly authentic sharing, I continued to read her blog on my phone as I was taking my walk. I usually only carry my iphone to learn French on my prerecorded itune list…My phone has actually been off for almost 6 months. As I walked to cross the street, I almost walked on the red, but noticed an older man in a car just giving me a sign with his hands to watch out. I know I annoyed him. Every time I am in a car my husband or mom yell at careless people on the street, so I get it… I feel bad, but my limited knowledge of French is not allowing me to say anything and even before I knew it, he was gone out of my sight and I continued reading and walking….
In the background though, I kept hearing this loud voice and had a feeling I was being followed…I kept ignoring it because I asserted someone saw how I crossed the street and decided to put in his few words….so I pay no mind..It’s already over, everyone is safe….But the noise gets louder and finally the man appears right in front of me…fat, Harvey Davidson biker type, with a hat on..kind of looking like a little skinnier Michael Moore type of guy…and I see he is continually talking to me in French…Finally, I take of my earphones (I still haven’t even pressed the play as I was caught in my reading) and told him: “I don’t know what you are saying, I don’t speak French”….The truth, I could have said it in French too, but didn’t think his arrogant attitude deserved it….He went on….and on….and on…yelling and waving with his hands, speaking French ….finally, I tell him: “Man, I don’t get what you are saying, please stop”….then I understood a bit of what he said: “This is Hochelaga–Maisonneuve and you speak French here, if you don’t speak – go”…and he said something about me being on the phone…so I got his point and I got what he meant…And he was right, I could have been more careful but at some point, 15 minutes later, I am still trying to figure out, why the fuck is he still yelling at me in French…Then he said something in English, so I realized, he understood me all along, just didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of being gotten and understood. He went on…I am still walking, trying to shake off an asshole who is trying to bring about justice in my life without any police officer training that I can tell, because if he had it, I am sure he would’ve showed me his credentials….
Finally, I decided to walk into a big store and avoid him. As I turned, he hit me..mildly, but I jerked and yelled: “don’t touch me you asshole”…and he kept going off….So finally, I took my phone and said, “fine, I am taking your picture now so I can report you for disturbing me”….and he pulls for his phone too….I take his picture and he begins to frame mine and I knock his phone out of his hands (with mild force really) and storm into the store….He kept yelling after me…I felt like shit.
I walked inside, with my sunglasses, and felt the heat of anger overcoming me…it was all up in my throat and I was hating my experience…Two minutes later, I brought tofu to the register and as I paid, the young boy who packs groceries addressed me in French…asking if i needed a bag..I thanked him and said “no” en Francais….then he asked something else and I said “I don’t speak French” at this point crying inside…and he asked what the man wanted from me..I said I didn’t know…that he shouted continually in French which happened a few times in the last 6 months I spent on and off in Montreal….then he said, “ok…have a nice day” and the cashier addressed me in English…something that never happens in this store….and I just walked on another exist with tofu in my hands, sunglasses on my face, crying my heart out….and this time with juicy flooding tears…
I cried and cried and walked…afraid of being stopped, asked something, addressed in any way…. I just felt so completely outside of this realm…the ultimate not belonging…And deep inside, I was wounded…seriously wounded that anyone would be that rude…. What if I had hearing issues…what if I had speech problems….what if I was honestly trying to learn the language for the past 6 months, it’s just that it isn’t sticking the way I thought it would and at the pace I thought it could….What if….
For the first time in a while I felt like I didn’t exist. If we create ourselves in language than I was suddenly nobody. I was a criminal who crosses the street without looking and a careless English bitch that people hate because of their history. I wondered for hours….Who am I really? Why am I hear?
Instead of hating it, I felt bad my husband was born and raised here. I knew it would hurt him to know how I felt. I knew he’d be ashamed. I struggled, after all this, to figure out how I became a magnet for the abuse. Did this guy even know that English is my second language? Did he know how hard I work on learning French….did he know that because of my sensitivity, I simply couldn’t stop reading my friend’s touching post…and not because I was an asshole….
I don’t know….and will probably ever know…and life goes on