I am celebrating my amazing husband today, his commitment to our 9 month old baby Adrian and his willingness to work out every bump in a road so we can have an extraordinary life.
As my husband is calling his dad to wish him a Happy Father’s day and I am browsing facebook to wish it to my friends who have become fathers, I am feeling the bitter sweet.
My father is in Croatia and has lived there for the past almost 30 years. I saw him briefly at the airport in Belgrade 4 years ago. I was flying back to Montenegro after my green card interview in US Embassy after much stress. He came with his grown up younger son and I felt so completely awkward. We had less than 30 minutes together and during that time his son, my half brother, was insisting that his/our dad takes him to see something in the city since they already made the trip. When I got on a plane, I just wept. It was the happiest day of my life as I was granted a green card, something I have wanted for over a decade yet, I was filled with deep sadness for the lack of connection with my dad. That day at Belgrade’s airport was the first time I saw him after 25 something years. And even though I am his first child, somehow I felt like I no longer had the right to have him in my life.
Maybe this sounds like a sad story. What I am sharing here is not nearly as sad as the days of my childhood when I was longing and trying to understand why my dad is not more committed to being my father. It was tough to figure that out: I was a smart kid, talented, pretty, straight A student, ambitious, but his lack of presence had scarred me for life. Over time, I learned to pretend I don’t love him or miss him because everyone else thought he was a jerk, so it took years of work to undo the feelings I have buried so deep inside because I didn’t think how I felt was accepted in the world.
In 2005, I did transformational work that helped me heal. It allowed me to find gratitude for my life that wouldn’t be possible without both of my parents not just my mom who was there for me through thick and thin, loving, committed and above all PRESENT and AVAILABLE. I was able to stop wanting to change the past, the years of lack and missing and focus on what is in front of me. I stopped blaming myself and thinking that I did something wrong – probably what all children do when their parents divorce. I realized, just because my dad wasn’t there for me, doesn’t mean I can’t have a man in my life with whom I can create family and future. So I worked on it, slowly, diligently, step by step. My amazing marriage is a product of that journey and my commitment to having love in my life.
So today, I celebrate my beautiful husband. I send love to my dad as I realize how much he missed. I celebrate my mother for being both mother and father to me… and I celebrate myself for how much I grew despite my circumstances.
Love to all fathers out there!!! Love your children! Love your daughters!
Sometimes things that we get to be the best at are the things we struggled the most with. And while coaching can take one through thick and thin, there are moments when things are best left alone to just be as they are. When I feel I tried everything I knew to do to change a situation or create a different outcome after failing at it numerous times, I turn my attention to powers above. I simply think of God or angels in my life who are no longer with me and I ask for support. I do the ho’oponopono mantra a thousand times to just release the energy and get it down to zero. And most of all, I allow myself a good cry for feeling helpless. I then experience how vulnerable we are as human beings, how fragile life is and how little it matters that we be right when we don’t feel the love in our hearts. But, when I dig deeper and let myself stop fighting with my own demons, I get that love is there, but the heart is broken and the pain is causing me to tense up and react and be super protective. Because when the heart breaks, it aches, it hurts until it makes us numb and then we settle for less only to never feel that pain again. The pain, on another hand, is subjective and so long as we perceive it as pain, we fail to actually experience it as the sensation that it is. What does your heart break feel like?
Maybe, just maybe if we allow the sensation to be and give into it fully, we would not be hurt by the things we cannot change. We would notice how having something and then not having it anymore is just part of life and we would learn to roll with the punches and adjust to different stages of life. We would learn to give and to receive and to not take things for granted nor to expect of another anything other than what they are capable of and willing to give us. Our life would be filled with love and gratitude and there would be peace within in spite of the storm outside.
Breathing in deeply… Allowing myself to love and feel the pain… Forgive myself, forgiving others… Giving it all to God
Almost a year ago someone I know asked me to listen to CDs by Kevin Trudeau known as an author of “Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About.” I cringed at the sound of his voice but was assured that this was really worth my time. Having no reason not to trust this person, I listened to the whole thing and even though material covered seemed pretty fair and right on, the way it was narrated by Trudeau really rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, I had numerous discussions with my husband on this subject, looking at how I can go beyond who someone is as a person to hear what they are saying as valid. Not my forte! I thought he was a fraud and even thought what he was saying was valid, I couldn’t get myself to go beyond it. So I took ideas that worked for me and never listened to the tapes again (you are asked to do this over and over again and also join his secret society, then go on cruises etc.)
I have done a fair share of personal development work besides a traditional schooling and I am definitely one of those people who passionately talks about things I believe in and like. However, one of the things I came to realize over the course of years is that the hype about something almost does it more harm than good. My mom has worked in advertising for over 20 years and is well educated and cultured, and what I have come to learn from her is the subtle ways we can put ourselves out there so people know what kind of service we provide without being pushy, in their face and hyper about it. In fact, all the preachy, motivational, over the top marketing and sales pitches are actually annoying and while I believe in “live and let live,” I realized that checking someone’s credentials and talking to people they actually served, versus checking out tweets and facebook posts goes much further than one’s being in our face all the time through social media..
Raving about something so much actually has smart people doubt in credibility of the person raving. For those who lack confidence (and I was surely there till not long ago), raving blinds and is effective, at least until we begin to see the true colors of the person or the situation (and I have surely got burnt here as well). One really valid point that came from Trudeau’s tapes was a segment on “Who do we listen to?” in which he advises us to be smart about who we allow to teach us, mentor or coach us. I came to realize how true that was and that one is really to take advice or coaching for people who have done what we need to do with a level of MASTERY and are leading their life as an example. Pitfall there is: most teachers, mentors and coaches know this and are using this to gear social media traffic their way.
So who do you listen to? Check for yourself. Ask around, Have a sample session to see how you click with the other person as 9 out of 10 times the hype is just a hype and no real value behind it. In fact, it is confidence in what we do and that we do it well that has us be able to share mindfully what we do and let our clients/students find us.
A coach 🙂
I have received my first Angel Cards this Christmas from my amazing husband. I have wanted to have them more than 4 years ago when my friend Ida used to generously share her deck with me. In fact, Ida and I would use the cards occasionally to be guided for some of the most important questions in our lives. For me those were about getting my green card and being free, meeting the love of my life, wondering about my career path, etc…pretty major stuff for me at the time.
You may wonder, if I wanted the cards so badly, why didn’t I ever buy them for myself. It’s not like I couldn’t afford a deck of cards that ranges from $15-50 on Amazon. The reasons I haven’t picked the cards ever before are the same reasons that often stopped me in living my life to the fullest: indecisiveness (which kind to pick from a few that seemed really interesting and appealing) and, not owning what I want but doing what I should want. The first reason is obvious and is a clear barrier to having anything in life, yet I do believe that, in my case, it has only stopped me because there was a real gap between what I really wanted and what I thought I should have wanted. Not owning my desires had me, by default, get things that didn’t make me happy or somehow left me unfulfilled.
So this holiday season I celebrate one of my gifts as it is not only something I like (and I don’t have to back it up by million reasons as to why I really like it), but it’s a celebration of my personal confidence being taken to another level where I can stand up for what I desire without having to justify it. I am so completely grateful to my husband for always looking at ways to make me happy and letting me learn from them how to do so myself. Thank you for being my angel here on Earth
Ever done anything you are not really proud of? I have… and I have done it over and over again. While I think of myself as fairly smart and capable woman, there are things that seem simply beyond my control. And this makes me feel so fake, so ridiculously inauthentic. I spend days coaching people on how to accomplish their wildest dreams and then at night, I fail at the simple act of kindness with my closest ones.
Sure I’ve done ton of work, personal development, self reflection, self analysis, digging into the past, manifesting the future, etc. And although I think there were times when things were improved a bit, it’s like I take one step forward and then 2 steps back…
I have asked myself many times WHY? naturally, I have more than million justifications for why I am right and why my lack of being great is completely due to feeling criticized and mistreated or simply made feel stupid…Ah the victim I am….I am sure all of this is sounding like a bluh, bluh, bluh,….so…I won’t waste your time in writing this.
What do I do? I thought about it all night last night and all day today. I didn’t come up with a way to fix it. So, I decided, I will pray… I will send this over to higher powers (and besides God, these are people I love and have lost who are my angels above) and ask for their guidance. I am taking it one step at the time, breathing in and trusting my angels. And tonight I took my first step…FORGIVING myself for the things I have done that I am not proud of, for wrongdoing and hurting others intentionally or unintentionally, humbled by being a human at fault.
Sending you all good vibes!
I recently shared with my colleagues: one of the ways I get myself out of the funk when I am in it. When I am not empowered, the key for me is to stop ALL action until I am back in the mindset that can actually allow me to do something that will create positive results. And I don’t mean sit back and wait until I feel better, but stop all action in the particular area until I create enough of space to see things that I may have not have been able to see while in the midst of feeling stuck.
So what that looks like literally is: I do the spring cleaning. I look around me at the space where I spent time or do work and I clean it up. I may clean a desk drawer. I may go into my closet and get rid of clothes I am not wearing or that I think no longer represent me and give those away. Mostly, I try to move something physically until I feel motivated enough that I actually want things to be better and feel like that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
When things are sorted out in my environment, I am naturally pulled to do something. If I am still not clear at this point what there is for me to do, then I begin with a set of obvious actions and I make sure I complete those first. As I complete those, my confidence grows, I feel better about myself and at this point I am already having an empowering surroundings and enough evidence of producing small results that I am beginning to see the glimpses of big picture.
And BINGO!!! That is the key… Seeing the big picture that I am inspired by that I can now physically and mentally connect to at which point I need to manage taking small steps to get to where I want to be… I don’t have to question it, I don’t doubt myself as I have created a clear surroundings that allowed me to think straight, think on my own and connect to my inner desires.
This is what I am in a midst of doing. I am clearing my surroundings to make sure I can see clearly. And I am already feeling the smell of fresh air and inspiration for what is possible in future. I know it’s fall (and it’s usually when things are in “fall’) that spring cleaning is the best thing to do.
Please share with me how you get unstuck when you are stuck and if you do the spring cleaning, tell me what it provides for you?
I am sure every new mom will understand that even though I attempted to write my blog a few times since birth of my baby boy, I have gotten distracted every time and therefore this is the first time I am back to writing after little over 10 weeks.
Giving birth was by far the most challenging and rewarding experience in my life. I have labored naturally, with nothing for pain for a little over a full day. There was a point when I wished I could just stop the time and take a break…and I knew, the only way out at this point was through and the way through was scary.
Because I am a coach, and I had an awesome coach while pregnant, I had my time planned perfectly well for those two weeks when I had a baby….Baby came 4 weeks early, so my calendar included everything but what actually ended up happening. But, all my stuff was listed perfectly clear in my outlook calendar so when the doctor sent me to the hospital early the next day, I printed out my calendar for the next 3-4 days and just cancelled or rescheduled what needed to be done. No one was impacted. I even had a coaching call while on monitors for contractions and baby’s heart rate, telling the person I may have to hang up any time but will talk for as long as I can…. And it all got managed.
My husband was by my side and I can say that I sincerely don’t have any idea how single moms do it. Partnership was crucial for me in these moments of total lack of control, something I don’t willingly allow ever. And, as I was about to fade late on Tuesday this first week of September, I felt an urge to push. However, my urge to push was interrupted by my nurse and suddenly the room was full of doctors I didn’t know and the old surgeon who called for a c-section.
I was so scared. I never stayed in a hospital before and didn’t even have stitches for anything let alone surgery. But I had no choice. It was all about keeping baby safe and baby was under distress given that umbilical chord was wrapped around his neck and body and every contraction was creating danger. I was lucky they were doing general anesthesia as I don’t think I could be with people talking about cutting me up.
I woke up in sever pain and with dryness in my mouth. I also continued to have contractions which was painful given there was a cut below my tummy. But besides the physical discomfort, I was pissed that it didn’t go my way. Namely, if I took epidural on time, I would maybe be able to avoid all this and have my baby on my chest as he was delivered – which I was actually not completely thrilled with since I dropped out of medical school because I don’t like seeing blood.
It took me good 3 days to put the pieces of puzzle together and to realize that having a C-section was the best thing that happened to me. I thought I was being cheated on, that they did it to make money on me (as surgery is more expensive than vaginal birth and it’s number is increasing in America at the speed of light)…but as I was having conversations with my doctor and nurses, I realized my birth was perfect.
Finally I understand what I’ve been told all along, that each birth is different and each birth is perfect and that the best way to approach it is to stop resisting and let the baby do his/her job and let the body to do its job and that it will all turn out.
My baby is healthy, and the journey of motherhood challenging and amazing….I am grateful to all the moms who helped me know what I needed to know, who warned me, educated me and listened to me and shared their experience so vulnerably with me so I can feel included and not alone.