I reached out to one of my former coaches in desperation to figure out how to go from where I was. Namely, in the past, I always had strong ambition and there was always a very clear goal in my mind:
- finish school,
- become a leader, reiki Master, practice yoga, meditation etc
- find love, keep love, get married
- become a mom, have another child
- Get my residence, citizenship
- Move to Montreal, move to the beach, move back to New York
- Build my own business, create my own course
Those are big goals… Achieving them had me feel like my life hit a plateau. Here I am, I have all of this, and now what?
In a meantime, I turned 40. Birthing children isn’t in an of itself a goal, it’s a gift that keeps on giving (and demeaning my energy and attention, as well as mental power).
Becoming a citizen made everything easier, but most people where I live were already born citizens so having invested my time and energy in becoming one doesn’t actually put me in advantage. That’s a privilege many were born into.
Getting married didn’t have me now hold hands with my husband all the time, it’s merely a decision to be in the same sand box of life and work through things without storming out and calling it quits every time it gets hard. It’s a challenge to never stop growing but to keep inspiring another person to grow with you and not apart. It’s not a destination, it’s only a beginning.
All of this lead me to the question I was wondering lately that had me reach out to so many people I thought could help me figure it out: what do I do now? How do I combine all my talents in one thing I can always do, knowing I am in the right place at the right time? Who can I be now that I am all these things newly, a wife, a mom, a business owner and someone with big desire to create works of art?
In my long winded letter to my former coach, where I just let it all hang, I expressed all my past fears, current limitations and palpable desires for the future. I was pretty ashamed of sending that email at the end, but she was gracious enough to respond. And this is what she said:
“It sounds like you are having trouble making decisions, afraid that you will make a wrong one. This must be impacting your life greatly and I think, given you want to be free, you would want to resolve it”
This happened weeks ago. Despite knowing better, I always take things personally at first. It’s my automatic, so often when I react to something strongly, I give it time. As a personal coach myself, I was wondering, how in the world did she see that in what I wrote. She was right and yet, I had no idea which part of what I wrote to her in that long saga triggered her to write what she’s written.
And then, suddenly, it hit me: Everything we do in life is a choice, conscious or not. If there is something we don’t like, we get to choose to change it, otherwise, whether consciously or not, we have chosen to tolerate it. There is no truth about what each of us should or shouldn’t do with their lives. Sure, some people are clearly talented for music, for example, so it is logical for them to invest most of their time and energy in that, but most of us other mortals, what we do and how we spend our time is really our willingness to do one and not another. There is no innate truth in each choice, every one of the choices we can make has pros and cons, so trying to decide from the perspective of what is easier or better is really not the best way to use our mental capacity.
Instead, we get to choose. We get to declare: I am going to take on X and Y and not Z for the duration of time and I am going to give it all I got. The moment we choose, and declare, giving it all is not a matter of our feelings anymore, but our integrity. And yes, there will be ups and downs but if we have given our word to something, then that is where we play.
I thought about this and then “OMG”ed myself realizing I was waiting for something outside me to give me signs, to show me the way, to approve of one thing I do against another, or to give me a perfect cocktail of coaching and art and healing things that I do so I can be satisfied and proud. I realized, there is nobody coming, nobody will save me, nobody knows it better than me and even better: I don’t know it either. It isn’t about knowing, it is about what I am willing.
I hope this makes sense and a difference for you. Perhaps take a pen and paper and write down your bucket list, write your desires out, put black on white what it is you want to accomplish and then pick the one you are willing to put effort in and keep on keeping on until you are satisfied and ready to choose something else. Don’t wait for signs, choose right now!!!
With love and light