A Shift in Perspective

HPIM3651

When my family returned from a six-week trip to Europe last summer, I decided that we would not be doing the same trip in 2020.  Most people just brushed me of letting me know that I said that the previous year too.  I know I am human and that some things are not in my control, but I knew, deep in my guts, that this year was going to be different.

As a mom of two young boys, I am finally moving through the last stages of parenting where I am the only kid on the block that they want to play with, where their every need is my command (in their mind) and where I know clearly that leaving them for long lengths of time is not the way I wanted to set them up for life.  It’s a sacrifice that I don’t necessarily like and, yet, gladly take.

My last decade of life included many changes, I moved countries, got married, had 2 children, created my own business, become a citizen of the USA.  Even though I had my formal education long before the last 10 years, I have never stopped learning and training.  It often felt, however, that what I was doing was not enough.

As most new moms, or moms of small kids are aware, I was sneaking into social media space through the window of my phone: to see what is going on, to get news, to connect.  I know of all the pitfalls of it too, but there was something comforting  about texting your Facebook group about your baby’s sleep pattern or how to make your kid breastfeed from both breasts equally, and some other things that most people would probably consider gross, but us mamas, know and understand.

On another hand, I’d see these picture-perfect profiles on Instagram that made me feel self-conscious, inadequate and old.  There are accounts of people sharing the most ridiculous things and yet they have hundreds of thousands of  followers.  We all made fun of reality shows 10 years ago and yet, Kim Kardashian now has about 150 million followers online.  I would click on it, in disbelief, and find so many people blindly loving her or cursing her and I could never personally relate to her. Over time, this got to me.

What fashion magazines did with photoshop and creating fake standards of beauty, influencers were doing online with filters, make up, lighting and other tricks.  Some people followed out of curiosity, but many followed because they connected to it.  I made myself wrong for judging them, so I turned inward to find answers.  After a lot of back and forth and self-reflection, and without wishing them any harm, I concluded that the world in which they are a measure as success is not the world I want to participate in.  So, I isolated.

With help of a few mentors, each a gifted woman in her own right, I have slowly found my own voice, my essence and my own purpose.  It didn’t come easily or cheaply, but I rolled up my sleeves and did the work.  Conclusion: I bought into the illusion created by Hollywood and Social Media and I measured myself harshly against it, unwilling to do my own work – because I couldn’t see the point, and in a process, nurturing entitlement and judgement that things that come easily to me are not good enough and that lack of acknowledgement meant I wasn’t worthy.

No personal experience is ever “out there” but within.  So while there are reasons my insecurities were flaring up in my life, most of them were unattended wounds from the past.  As I revisited the events when I was hurt, I was able to release the old pain and create  something new.  I realized, the values in the world as I see it,  are not my values and regardless of how unrecognized I may remain, my purpose in life was in and of itself a motivation.

This naturally had me limit my social engagements, time online, and I found gratitude in what I already had: great partnership with my husband, two beautiful loving children that inspire me and are a great incentive for hard work, lots of art I never appreciated to revisit, organize, reframe, play on piano, edit and share, and wisdom to know how to create a great life, not the one that gets following and likes, but the one that fills one with content.

The longer I stuck in my own game and made choices that were “on purpose” for me, the more grounded I felt. Slowly and cautiously, I would share with people I spoke to about real values and inspire them to take on a similar journey.  It totally made sense, all my clients were creators and the tools I have mastered were extremely relevant for them too.  Week after week, I would get on a phone and talk about the world where we respect real values, where we spend more quality time with one another, honor nature, put people before money, share support and generosity rather than greed and misinformation.  And, before I knew it, this awful pandemic hit us all and, as if by magic, so many of us were called to reset.

Suddenly:

  • We value our teachers because homeschooling for a few days got us present to the value and benefit of being in partnership with educators and people who care and want to pass their knowledge to your child.
  • We value our farmers and fresh produce that is harder to come by, when previously we took for granted as we could have it delivered with a click of a button.
  • We value medical staff and truly depend on them for survival fully aware of how much they need to be able to take care of themselves and their health in order to help us.
  • We also noticed so many things that can totally be obsolete: politicians arguing about who is more right, things being done in person when they can be done remotely, overproduction of things that create more clutter and animals in our daily diets that both cause the environmental changes we won’t be able to reverse.

Instead, we get to hold each other’s hands through this, share resources, ideas, use technology for good, reconnect in a new way holding real values close to our hearts.  In a face of a big event like this, people show solidarity, but then, as things get better, we may forget.  It is absolutely essential that we create a paradigm shift and not just wait until this is over, but use our energy, resources and real values to redefine the world we want to live in, the world that will be our legacy.

If You Are Tempted To Give Unsolicited Advice, Please Read This First

When you are someone who deeply cares about people and the world, you are bound to have opinions about how things can be better, what would make a bigger impact or how to achieve the best outcome.  If you are smart, involved and invested, you likely have opinions. Most people who never give advice are not necessarily kinder people, but often resigned that there is anything they can say that really matters or they simply don’t care.  If you want to tell people things, you are most likely passionate.  I truly respect that and it’s actually why I shifted the way I now hear other people’s advice even when I know I didn’t ask for it.

Regardless of our passion and best intentions though, it makes no sense to spend any of our time and energy if it was going to land in a black hole, or even worse, if we  are going to be misunderstood and possibly attacked for it.  It is, therefore, so important to step back and think twice before we say something.  There is a saying in my culture that roughly translates as: “measure many times, but cut only once.”  I would say, think it over many times before you actually speak, or communicate, what you want to say.

blur-close-up-flower-460295

I believe that, regardless of our good intentions, it is our job to assure that what we are wanting to say is not only said as clearly as we could possibly say it, but is not falling on deaf ears and is actually making a difference for the person we are speaking to. The most important first step is: Understand why you want to say what you are saying, look for the agenda you may have, resolve for yourself that your communication is not merely a reaction to something that happened to you, or a response to something that isn’t happening now.  If you really look at this, often times you may realize that you are reacting to something and it will make it less important for you to speak to the person you originally wanted to give an advice to. You may realize, this is your own inner insecurity and something that isn’t so much about what you are to tell others but what you need to resolve with yourself.

I attended many transformational programs in my attempt to better understand myself and others.  In one of my first seminars, during the conversations about selling the next program, I raised my hand to acknowledge the current seminar team (volunteers). The leader asked me if I was open to having a breakthrough. When I accepted, she asked: “what had you raise your hand exactly during the sales conversation and not a moment sooner?”  Initially, I really thought that this was on my mind an entire evening, but she insisted that there was no accident I interrupted the sales conversation and not a moment earlier.  My eyes teared up as I realized, I was ashamed that I couldn’t afford to take the next program and was considering volunteering as it would provide me with the training and I wouldn’t have to pay.  Suddenly, an entire group of 80+ participant was moved by my transparency.  Those who could afford to go on were moved by my courage and those that couldn’t now new the way to continue their journey of transformation even though they didn’t have the money to pay for it.

In short, I made a difference. In my case, what I had to say was uncovered with a support of a very trained seminar leader.  We don’t always have that luxury, but it is always wise to think through what we want to say and why we are actually saying it.

Even when we are clear that we really have something to say, it is never OK to just “dump” our view on someone else without first asking their permission.  Dumping is simply inappropriate, but asking permission to say something allows the other person to set themselves up and be ready to hear what we have to say.  This doesn’t guarantee they will like it, most people just want to avoid looking bad at all cost so they won’t take feedback well at all.  However, being granted permission usually prevents people from getting  very defensive, and we have a fair shot at being heard.

After having the kids, I noticed my husband would get defensive when I made suggestions to him.  Luckily, we talked about it openly and he told me that he didn’t get defensive because he disagreed with me, but because of how and when I brought it up.    In moments when my husband was pressed with time and already feeling like he was failing, when I made suggestion, it sounded to him more like a complaint than constructive criticism and he wouldn’t take it well.  In addition, he often saw it as lack of gratitude and appreciation for all the things that he actually was doing and doing well.  This now has me work harder on finding a way to still speak my truth instead of forcing it down when it is convenient for me.  I also do my best to include my gratitude before I was talking say anything and this has really improved our relationship.

Lastly, we want to ask, is what we are saying really making a difference to that person?  I often feel like downloading my advice in comment section on social media and especially when people already openly ask for advice.  But here is a question I ask:  what is a difference we are trying to make and frankly, why are we giving it away for free? Most people are not going around wanting to give free advice to people who are in desperate need for it.  We are far more likely to want to say something to people we feel are doing well otherwise, it’s just this one thing that we feel we can add.  It often comes from us wanting to sound smart and be seen as someone qualified rather than an actual commitment to making a difference.  This is why, lately, every time I have an urge to give unsolicited advice, I write my own post about it and post on my Facebook, Instagram, or in this blog.  At least this way, I am honest with the difference I want to make:  I want to be seen and heard for the wisdom I share with people.  It takes discipline, but it’s far more satisfying at the end.

When it comes to unsolicited advice, there are rare occasions when the urge to communicate is stronger than everything I mentioned above.  I believe in exceptions though.  There are times and situations where we know the other person can’t even see that something that we have so much knowledge about and because that is a blind spot for them.  If the damage of the other person not seeing something is high, we may take a risk and say something anyway.  But if we are to do that, we have to address the elephant in a room, and call it what it is.  It may sound as simple as: “I know this is the advice you never asked for, but my knowing X makes me want to say Y so strongly and I hope you can consider it as I am really wanting to make a difference as wish someone have done it with me.”

At the end of the day, the truth is,  nobody really has to listen to our musings.  As wise and important as we may think we are, I believe people have freedom to live their life the best way they know how and have no obligation to hear us out.  If we remember that, I think we can nail the best thing to do most of the time.

 

 

“I don’t matter”

FullSizeRender

I subconsciously create my life mostly to avoid painful experiences from the past.  My parents divorced when I was little, probably around 4 though I actually just realize that I don’t know for sure.  As my father moved away a few years later, I would visit him mostly on holidays or school breaks (and mostly arranged by my mother not initiated by him), so it is no surprise to me that my interpretation of this experience was that “I didn’t matter.”  Interestingly enough, if I saw that from my mother’s perspective, it would be obvious to me that I mattered a lot, but my father broke my heart. To fight the shameful notion that “I don’t matter,” I made choices in my life to avoid experiencing it at any cost.  I chose environments and circumstances that allowed me being numb and not dealing with the pain that not being important caused me.  In fact, I am a Capricorn, but am extremely social and often times, not really because I enjoy people so much but mostly because I can’t stand being alone.  When my phone doesn’t ring, something inside gets triggered.  I remember my mom once telling me that if someone wanted to talk to me, they could initiate the contact.  I would be terrified that I would be easily forgotten and used to think she was so mean to put me through that.  In fact, for years, whether it had to do with a relationship or friendship, I was often the one who called first. Even now I have friends that I regularly check in with though they never check in with me.  I have very little in common with most of them and our paths have crossed long ago with no intersection on horizon, yet I nurture those relationship with everything I got.  I thought of it recently and considered: what would it look like if I gave myself freedom to just let some people go, to let them be only a part of my memory but not continue to be a part of my present given that the only time they were in my life was when I dialed their number.  With all the new social inventions of Facebook, Skype, Viber and alike, it takes everything I have to just keep contacts alive with people who have moved on long ago.  They are glad to hear from me, but nothing in their life has ever had them get in touch with me. I was dealing with this phenomenon in the last two days triggered by an event that had me feel really angry.  But I was done being angry so as I dug deeper, I realized that what lied underneath the anger was real hurt of being irrelevant and left behind.  I shared this knowledge with my husband to just get to the bottom of it all and realized that most of my decisions were made to prove that I mattered.  In fact, working as a private coach is completely a response to wanting to matter in someone’s life, even though I am not personally related to them. Having spent over 6 years training, assisting and leading events at Landmark was all an attempt to make a mark.  In fact, I was often accused of talking a lot which is all an automatic response to wanting to matter, to be heard, to leave an impact.

I believe all people want to make a difference in the world.  I am no exception, though my motivation behind was a fear of not being important.  As I thought about this newfound knowledge, I cried like a baby because my whole life occurred as an illusion created to fill the void of a little girl whose father didn’t show her she was important.  So what can I do? For a start, I am taking on a practice of designing my schedule making sure that the REASON behind what I am doing is created from what I want now, not a default past.  So, before I take an action from the space of “I should”, automatically and without asking, I will take a moment to breathe deeply and to create an intention for what I am about to do.  This doesn’t mean I will start avoiding things or people.  I will honor everything I want to do as long as I can come up with the reason to do it that serves me.  Otherwise, I promise to myself to let it go.

Nothing in life motivates us as strongly as our desire to avoid the pain and being in the situation we dislike.  I am grateful for my life and that it got me this far.  Going forward, I choose consciously the path I walk on. Love, Marija