“I don’t matter”

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I subconsciously create my life mostly to avoid painful experiences from the past.  My parents divorced when I was little, probably around 4 though I actually just realize that I don’t know for sure.  As my father moved away a few years later, I would visit him mostly on holidays or school breaks (and mostly arranged by my mother not initiated by him), so it is no surprise to me that my interpretation of this experience was that “I didn’t matter.”  Interestingly enough, if I saw that from my mother’s perspective, it would be obvious to me that I mattered a lot, but my father broke my heart. To fight the shameful notion that “I don’t matter,” I made choices in my life to avoid experiencing it at any cost.  I chose environments and circumstances that allowed me being numb and not dealing with the pain that not being important caused me.  In fact, I am a Capricorn, but am extremely social and often times, not really because I enjoy people so much but mostly because I can’t stand being alone.  When my phone doesn’t ring, something inside gets triggered.  I remember my mom once telling me that if someone wanted to talk to me, they could initiate the contact.  I would be terrified that I would be easily forgotten and used to think she was so mean to put me through that.  In fact, for years, whether it had to do with a relationship or friendship, I was often the one who called first. Even now I have friends that I regularly check in with though they never check in with me.  I have very little in common with most of them and our paths have crossed long ago with no intersection on horizon, yet I nurture those relationship with everything I got.  I thought of it recently and considered: what would it look like if I gave myself freedom to just let some people go, to let them be only a part of my memory but not continue to be a part of my present given that the only time they were in my life was when I dialed their number.  With all the new social inventions of Facebook, Skype, Viber and alike, it takes everything I have to just keep contacts alive with people who have moved on long ago.  They are glad to hear from me, but nothing in their life has ever had them get in touch with me. I was dealing with this phenomenon in the last two days triggered by an event that had me feel really angry.  But I was done being angry so as I dug deeper, I realized that what lied underneath the anger was real hurt of being irrelevant and left behind.  I shared this knowledge with my husband to just get to the bottom of it all and realized that most of my decisions were made to prove that I mattered.  In fact, working as a private coach is completely a response to wanting to matter in someone’s life, even though I am not personally related to them. Having spent over 6 years training, assisting and leading events at Landmark was all an attempt to make a mark.  In fact, I was often accused of talking a lot which is all an automatic response to wanting to matter, to be heard, to leave an impact.

I believe all people want to make a difference in the world.  I am no exception, though my motivation behind was a fear of not being important.  As I thought about this newfound knowledge, I cried like a baby because my whole life occurred as an illusion created to fill the void of a little girl whose father didn’t show her she was important.  So what can I do? For a start, I am taking on a practice of designing my schedule making sure that the REASON behind what I am doing is created from what I want now, not a default past.  So, before I take an action from the space of “I should”, automatically and without asking, I will take a moment to breathe deeply and to create an intention for what I am about to do.  This doesn’t mean I will start avoiding things or people.  I will honor everything I want to do as long as I can come up with the reason to do it that serves me.  Otherwise, I promise to myself to let it go.

Nothing in life motivates us as strongly as our desire to avoid the pain and being in the situation we dislike.  I am grateful for my life and that it got me this far.  Going forward, I choose consciously the path I walk on. Love, Marija

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New York, New York

After almost full 2 years I am back in New York to stay for a while.  This has been one of the most magical journeys in my life.

I fell in love with New York a very long time ago…and probably long before I ever even tasted what a life here would be like.  I came as a teenager and grew up in neighborhoods of the city consistently searching for happiness and love.

About 2 years ago, I realized, as much as I loved New York, my life was meant to be about creating and providing Love, Freedom and Peace (still words engraved in my first ipod).  Sure, those words sound so general and I know that they are so cheaply overused today.  None the less, I wanted exactly what those words represented.

And, as much as I was absolutely clear that I was living in the best city in the world, I knew that I wanted to leave.  Namely, I was willing to give up living here to have the experience of freedom I yearned for … And so I did.  I went back to Europe, risked my being able to come back and there, I  won my fight to become a resident of USA.  Upon my return, it felt like I landed here for the first time, although years ago when I did summer solstice yoga in Times Square, I claimed my place right here on Times Square

Given the freedom now to travel back and forth, I was able to spend more time in Montreal visiting the man of my dreams.  In creating our future together, it became clear that for what we were creating, it was the best that I give up living in New York once again such that I can create my own business and be with my man.  Then we got engaged and we went forth with the plan, and I left my New York once again.

And here I am…after more than a year of traveling back and forth  to Montreal, and also Montenegro, Florida, Las Vegas and alike, ..back to MY New York.  I am here with my husband and with our unborn baby boy to take another long and deep fresh breath of my New York.

You may wonder by now why I love it so much… I think in growing up as well as in my own personal training and development, I feel New York was the only place that offered unlimited possibilities and was truly able to hold and match up the wildest dreams of someone who isn’t even truly from here.  It’s the place where I never felt like a stranger and I never felt alone.  it’s the place where lot’s of new things are being created and where ordinary people do extraordinary things.  You can meet the best of the best and people are not segregated as they often are in some cities of our world.  Things are available, things are possible, people are amazing (although often also limited by their own little bubble, probably created to be able to deal with the vastness of what this city provides).

It is then only natural that my path led me back here, to embrace and take a breath of New York yet another time.  To allow me to break through the next barrier in my way and provide my family and people I am surrounded by with a particular edge that I think I have only when truly able to experience the infinity of what it is to live in the unlimited world.

I am blessed and honored to be here, creating newly not reliving the old.  Embracing the energies that come from all the different corners of this world and allowing them to take me to the further heights.  Experiencing total freedom, love and peace within and around.  Thank you New York and everyone that makes you what you are 🙂