We have all experienced a heart break at least once in our lives. By the time I was 30, I was an expert in being heartbroken. And not only that, each failed relationship was feeding into my fear that I was not enough and that true love will never really knock on my door. I think everything I did since I became an adult was geared towards learning how to find and keep a guy. I knew I was smart enough to succeed in other things, but the matters of heart – that I felt I had no control over. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder for a good chunk of my 20s, I knew what it felt like to be addicted to something. And the power that had me to stop ED was the power that had me find love.
Now, I don’t believe that we can control when love will happen – that is in the hands of Higher Power, but I do believe that we can, and are responsible, to create a clear and pristine space for it, so that it can show up for us. In the clear and pristine space, LOVE does show up.
I know some of you have done personal development work. I applaud that. And, for what I am about to say, I think that such work can be more of an obstacle than support. In fact, it is that we keep on thinking that there is something for us to “work on” that has us stuck in the same old pattern of “not enough”. We can’t be both: complete and in need of more therapy/transformation. As a coach, I make sure my clients never feel inadequate, but rather see our work together as their consistent evolving inside of a committed, clean, powerful, safe and loving space. I don’t have my clients feel like there is something to fix, something many of the programs, therapies, works out there are based on. For as long as we think we need to fix our relationship with our parents, for example, we aren’t really focused or present to the prince charming that may be right in front of us – mistake number 1.
The mistake number 2 is that we hold on to our past like it’s real. Our urge to love and find love has us hold on to people and memories where we at least somewhat felt like our feelings were reciprocated. And instead of letting go of all past relationships that did’t serve us, we mess up more in order to cope with what’s already messed up. When I had an ED, I binged to cope with my urge to binge. Other words, only when I binged did I relieve the anxiety that I was feeling when I felt the urge to binge. It is only when I realized that the voice telling me to binge was not REAL ME, that I was able to silence the voice and take actions that I wanted to take: anything from being with people, actually answering my phone, making a difference in the world and alike. It is when I observed the voice in my head, without thinking I needed therapy, to journal my emotions, to read more books on the subject and give my power away, that I was able to see that the voice in my head did not have power over my actions. In fact, more I recognized that voice as NOT ME, more silent the voice became.
So, please ladies, do not cling to the past relationships that don’t serve you, don’t send more emails so that you can get a different response, or send that last text thinking something will change. Your urge to do these things is coming from the voice that isn’t YOU and the relief from that anxiety to say something is only temporary and making things worse in a long run. The voice that tells you to do so is not who YOU are. YOU can hear it and dismiss it and then do what works: move on, go out on a date with a new guy, or go visit a friend. When you keep falling back into the same pattern, you perpetuate addiction and the space stays cluttered. Love only comes into the clear and pristine space. So, let go and let love.
Sometimes things that we get to be the best at are the things we struggled the most with. And while coaching can take one through thick and thin, there are moments when things are best left alone to just be as they are. When I feel I tried everything I knew to do to change a situation or create a different outcome after failing at it numerous times, I turn my attention to powers above. I simply think of God or angels in my life who are no longer with me and I ask for support. I do the ho’oponopono mantra a thousand times to just release the energy and get it down to zero. And most of all, I allow myself a good cry for feeling helpless. I then experience how vulnerable we are as human beings, how fragile life is and how little it matters that we be right when we don’t feel the love in our hearts. But, when I dig deeper and let myself stop fighting with my own demons, I get that love is there, but the heart is broken and the pain is causing me to tense up and react and be super protective. Because when the heart breaks, it aches, it hurts until it makes us numb and then we settle for less only to never feel that pain again. The pain, on another hand, is subjective and so long as we perceive it as pain, we fail to actually experience it as the sensation that it is. What does your heart break feel like?
Maybe, just maybe if we allow the sensation to be and give into it fully, we would not be hurt by the things we cannot change. We would notice how having something and then not having it anymore is just part of life and we would learn to roll with the punches and adjust to different stages of life. We would learn to give and to receive and to not take things for granted nor to expect of another anything other than what they are capable of and willing to give us. Our life would be filled with love and gratitude and there would be peace within in spite of the storm outside.
Breathing in deeply… Allowing myself to love and feel the pain… Forgive myself, forgiving others… Giving it all to God
After almost full 2 years I am back in New York to stay for a while. This has been one of the most magical journeys in my life.
I fell in love with New York a very long time ago…and probably long before I ever even tasted what a life here would be like. I came as a teenager and grew up in neighborhoods of the city consistently searching for happiness and love.
About 2 years ago, I realized, as much as I loved New York, my life was meant to be about creating and providing Love, Freedom and Peace (still words engraved in my first ipod). Sure, those words sound so general and I know that they are so cheaply overused today. None the less, I wanted exactly what those words represented.
And, as much as I was absolutely clear that I was living in the best city in the world, I knew that I wanted to leave. Namely, I was willing to give up living here to have the experience of freedom I yearned for … And so I did. I went back to Europe, risked my being able to come back and there, I won my fight to become a resident of USA. Upon my return, it felt like I landed here for the first time, although years ago when I did summer solstice yoga in Times Square, I claimed my place right here on Times Square
Given the freedom now to travel back and forth, I was able to spend more time in Montreal visiting the man of my dreams. In creating our future together, it became clear that for what we were creating, it was the best that I give up living in New York once again such that I can create my own business and be with my man. Then we got engaged and we went forth with the plan, and I left my New York once again.
And here I am…after more than a year of traveling back and forth to Montreal, and also Montenegro, Florida, Las Vegas and alike, ..back to MY New York. I am here with my husband and with our unborn baby boy to take another long and deep fresh breath of my New York.
You may wonder by now why I love it so much… I think in growing up as well as in my own personal training and development, I feel New York was the only place that offered unlimited possibilities and was truly able to hold and match up the wildest dreams of someone who isn’t even truly from here. It’s the place where I never felt like a stranger and I never felt alone. it’s the place where lot’s of new things are being created and where ordinary people do extraordinary things. You can meet the best of the best and people are not segregated as they often are in some cities of our world. Things are available, things are possible, people are amazing (although often also limited by their own little bubble, probably created to be able to deal with the vastness of what this city provides).
It is then only natural that my path led me back here, to embrace and take a breath of New York yet another time. To allow me to break through the next barrier in my way and provide my family and people I am surrounded by with a particular edge that I think I have only when truly able to experience the infinity of what it is to live in the unlimited world.
I am blessed and honored to be here, creating newly not reliving the old. Embracing the energies that come from all the different corners of this world and allowing them to take me to the further heights. Experiencing total freedom, love and peace within and around. Thank you New York and everyone that makes you what you are 🙂