Proud Mama of a School Boy

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Later this morning, my son will have a ceremony to complete his Kindergarten and  officially become a 1st grader.  My emotions are running wild.  His  year was an adjustment for me and if I was to do it all again (which I will with my younger boy) I will definitely do my best to surrender more often.

Parenting can push our buttons in the most expansive of ways.  This year, it has pushed mine.  However, it also allowed me  to heal and appreciate not just the  work my son has done, but the work that I have done when I was his age as well as now  as his mom.  It helped me heal my inner child and do work to embrace my own past and see things from a different point of view.

Because all of us parents do what we think works, I insisted that my son complete his homework as soon as he came home from school, washed his hands and changed into comfortable clothing.  He had to read a book per day for school, and he read at least three.  His spelling tests were on Monday, he  mispelled a word  once the entire year and it was a silly mistake he often makes when he writes B instead of D.  We dealt with every issue that came our way with compassion and honest communication with him and his teachers.  We were, hands down, among the most involved parents.  The result of it is: his scores are all exceeding expectations, and he can easily do second grade reading and math, among other things.

All of this would be in vein if my son didn’t do his part.  “You can take a horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink.”  This year, I have had my butt kicked so many times to learn this lesson and understand that smart and independent kids will not just obey.  They need to understand why something is the way it is and what is expected of them, and they will remember, compare and challenge integrity of things and people because they are inheritely wired to be honest humans.

In some ways, I don’t know why I am crying except, possibly, to release the tension, the intention and attention that has been 100% tuned in to my son’s success without compromising everything else that happens in life. I can appreciate summer break in a whole new way because I think our bodies do need to stop, refresh and reset before they create a new project or see another mountain to climb.

All in all, I am sitting  here in the dark of the night and  quiet of a household with a husband and 2 boys sound asleep to just allow my emotions to settle, to pour my heart onto these pages and remind myself to appreciate every moment.  In our world  where things can happen with a push of a button, I think we often forget that things are not built over night, but rather take consistency of time and effort.  It feels beyond awesome that I know we gave our all but also see the wonderful result of a job well done.

Thank you to God/Universe for giving me this gift of being a mother, for partnership of my husband and everyone that supports us on this journey, my mom probably the most but also our family, friends, teachers, doctors and even random strangers.  Thank you for the beautiiful  and kind boys and the opportunity to raise them.  Thank you for the opportunity to  celebrate our hard work this year and acknowledgement for all the work nobody even sees that we do, but that we relentlessy do every day of the year.

 

 

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Being A Mom

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I only vaguely sensed that being a mom must be magical and expansive but I never knew how much it would impact my life, how deeply I would feel my love, how strongly I could stand, how much I could endure and how unwilling I would be to hide and pretend I am anything other than a human being trying to do her best.  I learned to surrender, to take it easy, to put myself first, as in put oxygen mask on my mouth before I offer it to others.  I slowed down and became more effective.  I added a level of compassion I didn’t have.  I started thinking for more people not just myself, consequently, I have expanded the way I see things and the ways in which I manage my life.

I often complain that people don’t share the truth about motherhood.  I don’t think we are fully honest about the effort that this role requires (and I don’t mean complain, but be real about it) as well as not fully bragging on the world that this role also makes possible, the love that is there, the joy we could feel and how small things in life often become the essence of our days.

It took me a while to approve of different ways of parenting but I definitely appreciate that people have their view and do their best.  The thing is, when you know what it takes, you don’t judge as easily or as harshly.  Again, I make comments and sometimes have a passing thought but I don’t hang on to it or relate to like: “this is the truth”. I also lightly roll my eyes at people who give me advice but really have no clue about the world I am in. I do appreciate the effort though, I’ve been there myself.

At the same time, I have been screwing up way more often, feeling cornered against things in life that are seemingly unresolvable, needed on too many sides, torn in too many places, longing for some time to myself to just hear myself think without trying to please everyone around me who has a loud expectation.

All this said, the journey of mothering my first born and then almost 3 years laters his brother has been the biggest role I played.  I used to cringe when people said that in the past because I always made it mean they had nothing else important to do (as if raising future generations of humans isn’t important at all).  I try to beat that value with other things  I do but the kiddos are still small and they still need me in a way that I don’t want to say NO to.  At the end, it is always a choice not to leave them for long periods of time, not to have them raised by babysitters and friends but putting them to bed at night on my own or having my husband do it instead.

My sons are an absolute joy most of the time.  They remind me how carefree childhood is for those of us who had our basic needs met and then some.  They wake up my creative side, they soften me to love, they let me be more accepting and kinder with myself and others while holding healthy boundaries. I am moved and beyond grateful I was given the opportunity to be a mother in this life time.  They will also never know all that it takes to be their mom and what these past 5 years were like and they don’t have to know until they live their life and learned their lessons.  My efforts are not theirs to carry because if I can do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Happy 5ht birthday to my beautiful Adrian and anniversary of birth to me!!!