We have all experienced a heart break at least once in our lives. By the time I was 30, I was an expert in being heartbroken. And not only that, each failed relationship was feeding into my fear that I was not enough and that true love will never really knock on my door. I think everything I did since I became an adult was geared towards learning how to find and keep a guy. I knew I was smart enough to succeed in other things, but the matters of heart – that I felt I had no control over. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder for a good chunk of my 20s, I knew what it felt like to be addicted to something. And the power that had me to stop ED was the power that had me find love.
Now, I don’t believe that we can control when love will happen – that is in the hands of Higher Power, but I do believe that we can, and are responsible, to create a clear and pristine space for it, so that it can show up for us. In the clear and pristine space, LOVE does show up.
I know some of you have done personal development work. I applaud that. And, for what I am about to say, I think that such work can be more of an obstacle than support. In fact, it is that we keep on thinking that there is something for us to “work on” that has us stuck in the same old pattern of “not enough”. We can’t be both: complete and in need of more therapy/transformation. As a coach, I make sure my clients never feel inadequate, but rather see our work together as their consistent evolving inside of a committed, clean, powerful, safe and loving space. I don’t have my clients feel like there is something to fix, something many of the programs, therapies, works out there are based on. For as long as we think we need to fix our relationship with our parents, for example, we aren’t really focused or present to the prince charming that may be right in front of us – mistake number 1.
The mistake number 2 is that we hold on to our past like it’s real. Our urge to love and find love has us hold on to people and memories where we at least somewhat felt like our feelings were reciprocated. And instead of letting go of all past relationships that did’t serve us, we mess up more in order to cope with what’s already messed up. When I had an ED, I binged to cope with my urge to binge. Other words, only when I binged did I relieve the anxiety that I was feeling when I felt the urge to binge. It is only when I realized that the voice telling me to binge was not REAL ME, that I was able to silence the voice and take actions that I wanted to take: anything from being with people, actually answering my phone, making a difference in the world and alike. It is when I observed the voice in my head, without thinking I needed therapy, to journal my emotions, to read more books on the subject and give my power away, that I was able to see that the voice in my head did not have power over my actions. In fact, more I recognized that voice as NOT ME, more silent the voice became.
So, please ladies, do not cling to the past relationships that don’t serve you, don’t send more emails so that you can get a different response, or send that last text thinking something will change. Your urge to do these things is coming from the voice that isn’t YOU and the relief from that anxiety to say something is only temporary and making things worse in a long run. The voice that tells you to do so is not who YOU are. YOU can hear it and dismiss it and then do what works: move on, go out on a date with a new guy, or go visit a friend. When you keep falling back into the same pattern, you perpetuate addiction and the space stays cluttered. Love only comes into the clear and pristine space. So, let go and let love.
I woke up this morning to see that my client I coached for 7 months now, has gotten engaged. It made me smile and it made me happy. I giggled, because, today is Sunday and our last coaching call was on Monday and that’s when the decision got crystal clear for him.
I looked back at the miracle we created on this path of working together. Back around New Years, I was living in Montreal and my friend (now also a client) was visiting. I remember him hiring me because he was clear that the only area that truly worked in his life was the area of finances (and he was being coached on his finances by my husband). So he hired me (as a performance coach) to specifically deal with other areas of his life that seemed out of balance with how well he was doing in his career.
Over the period of half a year, he was beginning to date, to learn about women, to begin to find out what it is that makes him happy and what it is that he is actually looking for. We went back and dealt with some patterns from the past in relationships that didn’t turn out. And then, there was a space for something new. He began to date. And sure, there were bumps on the road, but we worked through them. It was his willingness to be “coach-able” and his trust in me, and also my continual training in listening and how to provide what people want, that had us have this amazing 100% partnership in him achieving his goals.
Needless to say, prior to this Monday, his engagement was in schedule in his next 6 month milestone. And, as I had him define his relationship goal, it all got unfolded. He was clear already and I, as a coach, had to get out of my way to let him create his miracle. And he did. He decided to propose this weekend as he was already planning a beautiful surprise for his girlfriend. She, of course, said yes.
Why am I saying this? Well, on one hand, I am very proud, as a coach and as a friend. I am very very happy for them. And, I wanted to share this as I know that many people walk around with an illusion that I once had again, that some of us have beautiful relationships because we are lucky or it just happened to be that way. And I am here to say, that isn’t so. IT IS NOT LUCK!!!! It is being willing to want something and do everything you can to have it.
Honoring my friend for being willing to want it and doing everything he needed to do to have this miracle happen in his life.
It amazes me how many of us, women, focus on finding a perfect man for them. Our energy is completely dispersed outward. Namely, not only do we keep looking “out there” for the right person, we often take the person in front of us and work on changing that person to fit what we want.
You could hear insanity in this, yet most of us have done it and are guilty of such intentions.
What works and will never fail you is to focus all your energy on YOUrself. When you think of “the perfect man,” start imagining what his perfect woman would look like and then BE her.
If you want someone who is wealthy, look at your finances. Are you waiting for someone to be a quick fix for things that you have never been responsible for? If so, be sure that your relationship will fail or that you will be dominated.
I am not saying you need to be like the guy you want to be with, but don’t think you will interest a guy who is up to something if you are sitting at home and waiting. You don’t have to be up to the same things, but you need to honor and be great at what matters to you. Then, you will meet people who are up to something and are great at what matters to them. When you are both fulfilled, the chances are, the relationship will be fulfilling.
Don’t force a relationship to happen! Instead, allow it to happen! Don’t try to change men, change yourself to match who you dream of being… That is your access to having a powerful relationship.