Lingering in the “unknown”

“Being at ease with not knowing is crucial for answers to come to you.” Eckhart Tolle

One of my dearest friends Jodi sent me this quote the other day and I really heard it newly this time. I am about to find a short term rental for me and my family until we move back to New York and I have been trying to use my “intuition” and “manifesting skills” to guide me in this process. The problem is, big changes in life are stressful, even when exciting, and it is hard to keep the channels clean, peaceful and powerful when there is a lot going on. I would close my eyes at night and force myself to imagine where I really wanted to live as I was not sure I really knew the answer to that. And since the answers were not clear, I’d get frustrated by the lack of clarity.

The truth is, most places would probably work just fine. HAHAHAHA – my husband would say to that. And this is why: I think of myself as low maintenance, but I am not. I want our new place to have a pool, preferably heated, I don’t want the apartment to be carpeted, I prefer the first floor (which is often more expansive than the second or third), but I like high ceilings (which are typical of the third floor), I like all new appliances, no mirrors in bedrooms and all within the price range I want to pay (not necessarily the market price). I have no idea which location would be good, as I don’t know Florida that well, I just know what I wanted to be close to and that I can easily walk around in the area as I don’t like driving.

We need a place in the next 2 weeks because I am traveling to New York in 2 weeks and would go crazy if we didn’t have it locked in by then. What’s coming up is fear that we won’t find what we want so that we will have to stay longer (no bueno), or have to pay the higher price to settle for whatever is available. And, on top of everything, we need a short term lease and not every complex is willing to lease short term and when they do, they charge extra, so the prices online are not the actual prices we would get. Are you beginning to get the swirl I am in? A touch of anxiety mixed with excitement of the new place and moving towards the goal of eventually settling back in New York. All of that with a teething toddler that still breastfeeds and doesn’t sleep through the night. Now, try to fall asleep by 11pm!!!

So last night as I am about to turn the light off after spending hours on apartmentlist.com and forrent.com etc, but my brain is still wired and working on resolving the puzzle of “Where am I going to live in 3 weeks?” And then I remember this beautiful quote my friend sent me and I allow myself to linger in the unknown. And literally the moment I took a breath and let go of “knowing,” my mind relaxed and I felt freedom. I shared with my husband right away. I told him: “I am going to embrace not knowing where we will live and trusting that the Universe/God will take care of us.” And I didn’t mean that I would not make calls or go visit properties, I just meant that I would stop forcing the outcome.

And as if by magic, I drifted into sleep. Withing the first 2-3 hours of waking up, I had a full inbox of messages and voicemails to answer. I had 2 business calls and made calls from the list I gathered the night before and by noon I had options: a place 8 minute walking distance from our dearest friends, a brand new complex just built, another brand new complex near my dentist in the area I didn’t consider because it was an older community, and couple of other places, all within a price range, all within 10-15 min distance from places I need to be at, and all available. So tomorrow, on my birthday, I will be hoping in the car with my family to visit the other 4 places breathing deeply and allowing myself to live in the unknown for just a tad longer. It takes practice and it takes numerous reminders, but this time doesn’t have to be stressful. It can just as well be an opportunity ūüôā

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Living in the unknown

I realized something in the past couple of days: my dreams have been coming true one after another. ¬†To some people who I shared them with, it all seems miraculous and they think I have been just very, very lucky. ¬†Some other friends, however, know very well where I was 6, 7 or 10 years ago and they can fully appreciate the willingness, persistence and hard work put into it. ¬†I am not saying I didn’t find angels along the way, nor that the God didn’t add his charming seasoning to my life, but the truth be told: I have done a lot of it on my own even if that only meant that I asked the right questions, made right requests or turned to the right people for support.

So, here I am now… Resident of the United States of America, a dream that took 13 years to realize….Married to an amazing husband, a dream I’ve been dreaming of for at least 6 years…. Pregnant with our first child, a dream I had for at least 4 years… Working from home and making my own schedule, a dream I had for over 18 years, basically since I got my first job… and alike…

I notice, the time and experience had made me clearer in my communications, faster in my judgement, laser about what I want. ¬†And I have gotten to the point where I am looking for how to simplify it all. ¬†The story of success is often a lonely one. ¬†I don’t mean that there are no people on the path, but that the people don’t always stay on the same path. ¬†For someone who moved countries 3 times, I can tell you, it takes EVERYTHING to keep up with friendships across the border. I am not saying the friendships won’t last, I am saying, it is not the same as having a friend right by your side. ¬†And that is one thing I am missing. ¬†Here I am, taking a little rest before my next training call and thinking, it would be so nice to have a shoulder to cry on. ¬†I have nothing bad to cry about, I have nothing to complain. ¬†There is just something emotional, and perhaps hormonal, overwhelming my spirit and I would like to let the tears go…And I would like a giant, quiet, non-judgmental hug. ¬†

I am scared of the UNKNOWN. ¬†I have never carried a child before, given birth, and even though I moved before, I never quite started it all over again like I am about to do in less than a month time. ¬†I am NOT stopped… and I acknowledge that living RADICALLY, with butterflies, sometimes asks being heard and hugged. ¬†

Is there anything NEW you are dealing with in your life that you feel being heard, gotten and understood would make a difference with? ¬†Please share… my tears dried out as I poured these words into this blog for you to get: we are all human, and that you are not alone.